Worth

I reached deep down into my chest with my right hand. My heart was still beating, and I was still angry; no, angry doesn’t quite describe it. Resented, maybe? It wasn’t shame either.

He looked me as I took my heart out of my chest; we were both standing, facing each other. There was no kindness in his eyes, but in them I could see the reflection of mine. I wasn’t asking, nor protesting, I was just staring at the unfairness of the whole deal.

We didn’t need to lay out the terms; we both knew them full well. I still held my heart in my fist, forearm paralleled to my chest, tense shoulders. All I could think was how unfair it seemed to me to pay such a price for a single hope; I suddenly realized I had nothing to lose by saying it, and I had just opened my mouth when he cut the silence with his low baritone.

- C’mon, it’s not your first time.

Anger, real anger lit up in my heart, burning my skin. It didn’t hurt, not at all: in fact it felt good. I looked up, a smirk on my mouth, and I lifted my chin just a little.

- Don’t mock me. –I said, a friendly warning.
- I wasn’t.

I felt the warmth of a smile relaxing my face, my shoulders loosening, my grip less tight. Yes, I was still holding my heart, but it wasn’t like I was about to die or anything.

- You’re right, it’s not my first time. Pain has made me cautious.
- It usually does. And yet here you are.

I smiled again, self-amused. Proud of myself.

- And yet here I am.

My elbow started to drift away from my body, pointing at him, preparing itself to lever my forearm. I looked into his eyes and he looked into mine, a single moment of good will, an indistinguishable nod of approval. My heart described a curve that ended on my fully extended arm, fist still closed.

I opened my hand, palm turned upwards. He looked at it and grinned instantly in realization. I chuckled, brazen.

- I got to keep my ejection fraction. –I said. –I have a lot of swimming to do, still.

He covered my palm with his, nodded, and we exchanged one last look before I went back to swimming and he back to whatever it is that he does.