Soundtrack 2011 - I (commented)

My life has a soundtrack. And these three great months have more than enough music to brag about. These are the songs that bring to my mind the very memorable scenes that are sometimes much greater than the play itself. 

1) Fuck you – Cee  Lo Green

The most unpretentious New Year's celebration turned out to be a great example on what a luxury it is to be with friends wearing flat shoes and not worrying about the make-up. Out of the city, out of the road, out of the year. A great start.

2) Raise your Glass – Pink

What's the dealio? January, Germans in town and friends in the house. Booze all over the place and a heart-warming certainty: i'm in great company. My glass is not empty. 

3) La Gota de Rocío – Silvio Rodríguez

Maxim Gurki, late at night, early morning. Missing those days when i had to wake you up and listen to your sleepy voice, when i could play with your Geel-cuy alpaquita hair. You were the one who set the path for me to walk on; you fought against my stubbornness and you won. I love you, sweetie. Always did, always will.  

4) Love the way you lie Part II – Rihanna feat. Eminem

There's this dark, seductive beauty in relationships that require the ones involved to take leaps far too great for them not to crash onto the ground. It's dangerous, like the stride of a drunk man crossing an avenue. 

5) Feel Good Inc. – Gorillaz

The anthem of the year. Windmill, windmill for the land; love forever hand in hand. Take it all there on your stride, it is sinking, falling down. Love forever, love is free. Let's turn forever you and me. Windmill, windmill for the land. Is everybody in? 

6) Borderline/ Open your heart – Glee Cast

Freaky Friday, starring Gundula Kralem, The English Gentleman, Jackie-o and my hardest-to-love best-friend. Absynth gone, hard-disk fried, a raging night to think about; quite a nice deal, in fact. 

7) City of Refuge – Abigail Washburn

A great song is one that takes me somewhere else without me even having a chance. This is, without a doubt, a great song. No need to anchor it to a memory; it's memorable by itself. 

8) January Hymn – The Decemberists

I might have an affair with both this group and the idea of January (my birthday month) not having sun and sand, but cold and snow. Plus it would have some nice perks. Glühwein would be very welcomed, for example. 

9) Bethany Lane – Aaron Thompson

This is like falling in love with the nice guy who actually likes you. Rare... a little bit safe. But surprisingly good. 

10) Photoshop Handsome – Everything everything

You had me at "Hello" with the title. And the rest. 

11) Postcards to Italy - Beirut

Zach Condon has an extraordinary ability to take me to places i've never been and making me feel right at home. In every note he pulls a string, he pushes a button. It's like the notes are talking to my soul.  I'm sorry, it's not "like". They do talk; and sometimes i talk back. 

12) My blood is burning – Yodelice

Children's Psychiatry, second week. Best friends around, the best weekends of the best month. 

13) Gulag Orchestra – Beirut

The cry of a land that has been through the greatest pains of uprooting and war is the inspiration of this song. A beautiful example that art is not always meant to be pretty or please the senses. Goosebumps don't always come from happiness. In fact, most times they don't. 

14) Something I can never have – Nine inch nails

Strip love down to its most sensitive, most honest core. Scream the frights, accept the weakness, plead for the things you want the most. Sometimes it hurts. But i can't stop craving for it. C'mon, tell me; you make this all go away. I'm down to just one thing.

15) Sun of a Gun – Oh Land

Such a refreshing song, without the now so popular statement-need. What if it doesn't have an obscure, Madonna/Gaga hybrid meaning? Sometimes, less is more. 

16) Funny little frog – Belle and Sebastian

And maybe tell you all about it, someday. 

17) This is why we fight – The Decemberists

Sometimes the only way to win is to give in. For me to have a chance on getting the one thing i want, step one is to let go. Step two, to stop looking. And step three, letting it surprise me when i least expect it. 

18) Futile devices – Sufjan Stevens

Those little noises that make everyday life feel my own can be very nostalgic, yet very moving. The difference between looking and staring. That moment when i first felt this way; when he went from stranger to significant one. 

19) Don’t stop – Owen Pallet

Symphony-like, beats involved, early morning walking through the fog towards the Metropolitano. The quintessence of getting up early and going the hospital. 

20) Rose to your bones – Broadcast 2000

It doesn't need to be big to be good. In music, i give you that. 

21) Scenarios in stereo – Antics

Some good old Indie pop. Or rock. Who cares?

22) Sailing bird – Slothpop

Wrap your ears around great voice and percussion. Close your eyes. Yes, you're there. It feels good to be alive. 

23) Within you without you – The Beatles

Most of the music in my iPod is there because i downloaded it in an attempt to impress someone and ended up liking it. This is a great example of that. 

PS.: It's all in chronological order; but the ones holding the prime numbers (and number 14) are those who are/were particularly great. The couple with the videos are the very best.

Defense Mechanism (He's just not that into you)

I accept it. The reason that i've been cranky the last few days is a guy. A guy who's clearly not into me. 

I mean, i get it. I do, i'm not into tons of guys, and tons of guys are not into me, which is great, as long as they are the same i'm not into. Yesterday, for example, i got this weird phone call from a random number and when i called back he said it must had been a mistake. Then, out of the blue, i get an SMS from him saying that he thinks that my voice is very sexy and that he'd love to meet me. My answer was to eliminate the message, of course. And to torture myself with a couple of very predictable thoughts, such as why, if he doesn't know who i am, he wants to go out with me? why does a creepy guy give me recognition for free and the guy i actually want doesn't give a shit?

Oh God, i think i might know who the creepy guy is. But nah... last's year creepy guys must have already forgotten me. The two of them. Anyway, the thing is that i'm learning (ever more rapidly) to read the signs. And, i'm learning to let go. Though it's hard, i admit it. But give me some credit, he's the second guy in not so long; The English Gentleman was the color note on a rather colourful month, and Alexander... well, he was fine. The thing is that i let go. 

I haven't written about The English Gentleman here before. And, in fact, he's worthy of being written about. What's he like? Very simple. Take the furthest away from me a person could be, pierce his tongue and eyebrow and put it into a polite self-acknowledged bad boy who is delicate enough to turn down an offer that absolutely every other man i know would have jumped into without hesitation. This gentleman gently opened my eyes to a world i hadn't dare to dream of. It lasted less than a week, and i knew he was leaving. Yet he unknowingly pulled some strings whose existence i had been relentlessly denying. And though he's not the only responsible one, it's only after him that i've felt free enough to do what i want. 

It was because of him that i got into the Alexander scenario, you know? Because, for once, i just agreed on what i was being proposed. For the first time in my life i just said "yes" when i wanted to. "Yes" is such a powerful word i didn't feel guilty afterwards. I felt perfectly able to consider Alexander a choice, perfectly worthy of being considered a choice. Why would my value as a woman be changed by a 2 letter word? Is it all that i'm for? Is my worth only about how many times i say "no"? 

Whichever the answer is, it's quite obvious that Alexander is not into me. I know what it is when someone is into you. And it doesn't matter how it starts. I mean, it can be on the other side of the world through a wire, it can be between two people that have never met, it can be anywhere, anybody, anyhow. Because if you want it, you'll do whatever it takes to get it, right? Even getting up in the middle of the night. Picking up an accent. Buying a halfway-around-the-world ticket; saving his phone messages to hear his voice. 

Defense mechanisms are just a way to deal with ugly truths like the one that says that he's just not that into you. Because, even rationalized and all, it does hurt.

#Venting

Un amigo hace venting en Twitter. Ahorita, 140 caracteres simplemente no me alcanzan.

Quiero irme a Hungría. A Bosnia, a Croacia, quiero ir a República Checa, a Rumania, quiero bailar en las carreteras desiertas de Transilvania. Quiero tener hambre de comida, de español y de civilización. No sé si quiero ir acompañada. Quiero sentir esa deliciosa nostalgia que sólo me da la soledad.

Quiero dormir. Quiero despertar y no tener celular ni conexión a Internet y lo que es más utópico, quiero que no me importe. Quiero que no me importe quién me escribe o no me escribe o hace cuánto que no me escribe o por qué no me escribe o porqué tiene esa necesidad de hacerse incómodamente importante aún cuando no lo es.

Por primera vez en años no quiero que los amigos que se fueron regresen. Se fueron por una razón, y se fueron en varios vehículos, desde carros hasta aviones, pero se fueron, y los problemas y alegrías que tengo aquí son completamente independientes de ellos.

Quiero ser independiente. Quiero ganar mi dinero y dejar de sentirme mantenida niña de papá porque decidí estudiar una carrera que dura 7 años y, seamos honestos, dura bastante más. Y quiero dejar de sentirme seducida por el enfoque estadounidense de la medicina; se supone que detesto el American Way of Life pero ayer no pude dejar de oír de pasadas al pata que hablaba sobre PCR en tiempo real con un acento tan yuppie y con tanto maldito charm que no podía evitar la sonrisa en mi boca. Y era feo, para colmo, así que las hormonas no estaban involucradas. Era el malditamente seductor charm. 

Quiero que me den ecocardios y catéteres y  marcapasos y ablaciones. Quiero sumergirme, empaparme, quiero contaminarme tanto que cuando salga a la luz mis ojos no puedan dejar de encontrar arritmias e infartos. Quiero que cada dendrita indómita de mi corteza sea conquistada y quiero sofocar toda esta psicopatología contagiada, todo este histrionismo sobresaturado, quiero olvidarme de la vacua importancia de los castillos en el aire que se caen con clonazepam.

Quiero mandar a la mierda; quiero regresar a esa libertad casi sin límites de Febrero. Pero ya estamos en Marzo, mierda, y aunque sea 2011 es Marzo, y en Marzo empiezan las clases y es el último mes del verano y jode que lo sea, y jode la vida en general porque las cosas no tienen mucho sentido. Porque a veces ser misterioso es una buena estrategia, y a veces no. Porque a veces la cago antes de darme cuenta de que tenía que tener una estrategia y luego la quiero arreglar. Y a veces, sospecho, las cosas se arreglan mejor si es que dejo de intentar arreglarlas. Lo cual es, obviamente, muy difícil.