Defense Mechanism (He's just not that into you)

I accept it. The reason that i've been cranky the last few days is a guy. A guy who's clearly not into me. 

I mean, i get it. I do, i'm not into tons of guys, and tons of guys are not into me, which is great, as long as they are the same i'm not into. Yesterday, for example, i got this weird phone call from a random number and when i called back he said it must had been a mistake. Then, out of the blue, i get an SMS from him saying that he thinks that my voice is very sexy and that he'd love to meet me. My answer was to eliminate the message, of course. And to torture myself with a couple of very predictable thoughts, such as why, if he doesn't know who i am, he wants to go out with me? why does a creepy guy give me recognition for free and the guy i actually want doesn't give a shit?

Oh God, i think i might know who the creepy guy is. But nah... last's year creepy guys must have already forgotten me. The two of them. Anyway, the thing is that i'm learning (ever more rapidly) to read the signs. And, i'm learning to let go. Though it's hard, i admit it. But give me some credit, he's the second guy in not so long; The English Gentleman was the color note on a rather colourful month, and Alexander... well, he was fine. The thing is that i let go. 

I haven't written about The English Gentleman here before. And, in fact, he's worthy of being written about. What's he like? Very simple. Take the furthest away from me a person could be, pierce his tongue and eyebrow and put it into a polite self-acknowledged bad boy who is delicate enough to turn down an offer that absolutely every other man i know would have jumped into without hesitation. This gentleman gently opened my eyes to a world i hadn't dare to dream of. It lasted less than a week, and i knew he was leaving. Yet he unknowingly pulled some strings whose existence i had been relentlessly denying. And though he's not the only responsible one, it's only after him that i've felt free enough to do what i want. 

It was because of him that i got into the Alexander scenario, you know? Because, for once, i just agreed on what i was being proposed. For the first time in my life i just said "yes" when i wanted to. "Yes" is such a powerful word i didn't feel guilty afterwards. I felt perfectly able to consider Alexander a choice, perfectly worthy of being considered a choice. Why would my value as a woman be changed by a 2 letter word? Is it all that i'm for? Is my worth only about how many times i say "no"? 

Whichever the answer is, it's quite obvious that Alexander is not into me. I know what it is when someone is into you. And it doesn't matter how it starts. I mean, it can be on the other side of the world through a wire, it can be between two people that have never met, it can be anywhere, anybody, anyhow. Because if you want it, you'll do whatever it takes to get it, right? Even getting up in the middle of the night. Picking up an accent. Buying a halfway-around-the-world ticket; saving his phone messages to hear his voice. 

Defense mechanisms are just a way to deal with ugly truths like the one that says that he's just not that into you. Because, even rationalized and all, it does hurt.